Family bonds
by J.J. Norris
Summary: After a fight with his family, Raphael leaves for a midnight run. What he finds along the way will change him and the ways he views the world around him forever. Deals with subjects of suicide. No explicit content or major gore.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: This story deals with subjects of suicide and** **depression. If you have a problem with that, I respectfully ask you leave and find a story more suitable for your taste.**

 **I do not support suicide in anyway, having myself lost someone very important to me to such acts.**

 **With that in mind, please remember suicide should never be an option. If you have such thoughts, please seek out a responsible loved one or professional help.**

* * *

The cold air as it nipped against his bare skin felt like heaven, and the fiery burn in his legs from overexertion was a welcome feeling. His sleep deprived mind was running a mile minute, and anything else to focus on was gladly accepted. Normally when Raphael was in a mood like this, he would take it out on his punching bag till his knuckles were raw, but staying home was not an option.

His blood was boiling with anger, and it had been for the last four hours. It had started when Mikey decided it was a fun idea to paint his room pink. No, not his own. He painted **Raph's room** _bright pink_. Needless to say, it had sent the hot head into a blazing fury.

* * *

 _"Mikey! Swear when I get a_ _hold of ya, you'll be eating out of straw for the next week!" Raph yelled, his voice echoing loudly off the walls of his freshly painted room._

 _Mikey was dead. He was deader than dead. Raph was going to kill him, bring him back from the grave, and do it all over again. He was going to paint him black and blue. He was going to-_

 _"Whoa, Raph!" In his rage induced state, he had managed to not notice where he was going, searching for Mikey on auto pilot. He slammed roughly into the blue clad leader, knocking each of them back a few feet. Leo carefully looked his brother over, noting the heavy feeling of anger coming from the younger._

 _"What's wron-"_

 _"Where's Mikey." Raph growled, not bothering to let the other finish his sentence. He was ready to hit something, and if Leo didn't watch his step it wasn't going to end well for him._

 _"Donnie's Lab I think. Wait what did he do? Raph? Raph?!"_

 _But Leo's words were wasted on the second oldest._

 _The enraged turtle made it to the lab in record time, an extremely worried older brother struggling to keep up with him._

 _Raphael threw the door of the purple ninja's sanctuary open unceremoniously, his now white eyes, swiftly scanning the room for his desired prey. Finally, he spotted him._

 _"You." His tone was dangerously low. His calm voice portraying a silent threat._

 _Mikey looked up from where he was sitting beside his immediately older brother. His face went a pale shade of green at the sight of the other. A yelp escaped his mouth as he jumped up from his seat to take hiding behind Donatello._

 _He really messed up this time. Raph always threatened to kill him whenever he played a prank, but this time the youngest was afraid that he was actually going to fulfil his promise. It was just a joke though. They could always paint over his walls again, and he'd been really careful to not get any paint on Raph's stuff. Why was he this mad?_

 _Don looked up, startled by the sight of the furious turtle. He glanced over his shoulder at Mikey who was cowering, his entire body shaking slightly with fear. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together._

 _"Raph, let's think before we do something we might regret." He warned, standing up slowly to form a better shield between his two siblings in case Raph planned to suddenly try to harm the prankster._

 _"Don, Move." Raph demanded, pulling his sais from their holsters._

 _Now Donatello was worried himself. When Raph was mad, he yelled. He screamed. He behaved rashly, acting without thinking._

 _Not now though. He was calm. Deadly calm, and it sent chills down his spine. Raph's eyes were glazed over with white, a color he only saw in them when they were in the dojo or fighting on the surface. His gaze was calculated as he looked around the room, obviously trying to find a way around Donnie to get at the freckled ninja._

 _"Raph, look whatever Mikey did, I'm sure-" Leo stopped, his eyes settling on the sight before him. Raph wasn't tearing their youngest brother limb from limb as he had expected. No, he had his weapons drawn, his knees slightly bent, ready to strike. It finally dawned on all of them how bad this situation was. Raph was dead set on getting back at Mikey for whatever he did, and Leo wasn't sure he would be able to save him this time._

 _"I'm gonna tell ya one last time, and then I'm gonna move ya myself. Get outta the way Don." Raph never took his eyes off the shaking turtle peeking over his protector's shoulder. He tightened his grip on his weapons slightly. His muscles tensed, ready to make his move._

 _"Raph. This isn't you-"_

 _Donatello didn't get the chance to say whatever he hoped would calm his older brother. Raph dashed at them, his sais raised. The purple clad ninja barely had time to pull his bow-staff from its respective place on his back when Raph felt two arms slip under his own and wrap around his chest. He was stopped in place by a crushing hug. It wasn't a loving one though. Its purpose was not meant to sooth, but to restrain._

 _"Raph stop!" Leo pleaded, trying to keep the sound of desperation from creeping into his words. "You don't want to do this!"_

 _"Let go!" With one clean movement, Raph managed to unhook his leader's arms from around his body and throw him backwards, effectively slamming his body against the wall with a loud thump._

 _At that moment, a loud "Sensei!" was screamed by Mikey, that no doubt could be heard throughout the whole lair._

 _Raph growled, whipping his head in the direction of the noise. He stalked closer to his target, trying to decide the best way to go about taking Donnie out, without majorly hurting him so that he could get at Mikey finally._

 _"Raphael! That is enough!" Splinters tone was sharp, cutting through the anger possessing his second oldest son._

 _The white finally washed from his eyes, but he did not lose his aggressive stance. "But master Splinter you don't even know-'_

 _"I said that is enough!" Splinter yelled this time. "You do not raise your weapons in anger at you family."_

 _"But Sensei!"_

 _" **Silence**. I do not care what Michelangelo did or did not do. You are to hold your tongue." _

_Usually when he was finally knocked out of his maddened state, his anger would slip away. Guilt immediately taking hold, but not this time. If anything, it was worse, but he didn't dare disobey his father. His glare slipped to the floor as he watched Sensei father help Leo up from his peripheral vision._

 _Once Leo was standing on his own, Splinter cleared his throat. Raph looked up like he knew his teacher wanted him to._

 _"Michelangelo, please explain what you have done this time."_

 _After quick glance at Raph, he stepped out from behind Donnie to face his father. "I might have painted Raph's room?" He answered, a nervous smile pinned to his lips in an attempt to keep them from quivering in fear._

 _"I see." The old rat stroked his beard in thought, clear disappointment on his face. "And this gives you the right to attack your brother?" Splinter asked, looking down at his red clad son._

 _"You don't understand-"_

 _"That was not what I asked." Splinter sated a bit firmer this time. Though he clearly hid it well, he was definitely angry at Raphael. His actions were inexcusable. Under no_

 _circumstance should he act that was towards his siblings._

 _Raph swallowed down his smart remark and instead looked around the room at his family. Both Don and Leo wore the same mask of disappointment that hid their fear. Mikey on the other hand only wore a look of fear, flinching when Raph glanced at him._

 _He should have felt bad. He should have felt terrible, but he didn't. Just anger. They didn't understand. Mikey's pranks were fine. They were even funny at times, but this_

 _time he had gone too far._

 _Raph's room was his sanctuary, the one place where he felt truly safe. It was his room. The one place where he was free from Leo's nagging or Mikey's annoying presence. There was no Donnie telling him how he could do something better or Splinter's judgmental stare._

 _The one that made him feel like he would never be good enough._

 _Mikey had destroyed his sanctuary, or at least it's feeling. He had crossed a line when he entered his room. His brothers were never allowed in his room unless it was necessary. Even master Splinter didn't usually go in his room unless he felt he needed to._

 _He hadn't just gone in it, he'd changed it drastically. Not just the color of the room, but down to the very feel of the room to the smell of the air. It didn't feel quite like his_ _anymore. Yes, he knew it was still his room, but just wasn't the same._

 _Why couldn't they understand that?_

 _His clenched fists shook with pent up rage. He felt like he was going to explode. He was going to hurt someone if he stayed here any longer. So, he left. He ran past his father and out the lab doors, out of the lair, out of the sewers. He ignored his father's firm voice demanding he come back. He ignored his older brothers' pleas for him to stop. He shut it all out._

* * *

It was now two a.m., and he still couldn't make himself go home. He couldn't turn to Casey because he was out of town with his family and like shell he was going to go complain to April about what happened.

So, he ran. He dashed from roof to roof as fast as he could, doing anything to burn up the adrenaline running through his veins. He was thinking about how Splinter was going to ground him for life when he something caught his eyes.

A silhouette of a person a few roofs over. Eager for anything to take his mind off his rushing thoughts, he let his curiosity get the better of him. Using his years' worth of training, he stalked closer through the shadows with absolute silence till he was only a couple yards away.

His heart nearly stopped when he found out what it was. It was a boy no older than fourteen, inches from the edge of the roof. In his hand, he clutched a folded paper. The light from the streets below glistened in the tears dripping from his bloodshot eyes. A soft gust of wind past over the city top, making the young teen shutter.

Raph needed to stop him, but how? He was never one for words, but he was going to have to make do if he was right about what he thought was running through the boy's mind.

Raph cleared his throat, trying not to startle the other. The last thing he needed was him suddenly stumbling to his doom. Thankfully, that didn't happen. His shoulders barely flinched. Other than that, you wouldn't have known he realized the quiet ninja was there.

The red masked ninja made sure to stay in the shadows as the boy shifted to turn around and look to see who was there. He roughly wiped at his cheeks with the back of his hand and squinted into the inky black that hid the mutant turtle from sight. At best, the human teen could only make out a rough shape of the other and a basic height.

"What do you want?" The teen asked quietly, his voice scratchy and strained as if he hadn't talked in a while, or say, had recently been crying rather hard.

Raph poured over what to say in his mind and decided that the less words the better. That way, he had less chances to screw this up, and screwing up was not an option this time.

"To help."

The boy seemed for think for a moment before answering, glaring daggers into the ground. "You and everyone else." There was anger and hurt behind his words.

"I can't speak for everyone else, but I can for myself. Whatever it is you got planned, you should do a double check before you decide to do it." Raphael Hamato was not afraid to admit that he got scared, but he was always proud to say he could push past it. He had felt brave when he faced the Shredder, despite the terror that came with it. He had felt brave each time he saved the world along side his family and friends, forgetting the crippling fear and impending doom that surrounding them.

Right now though, he did not feel brave. He felt like a sniveling coward.

"I want to help you, but you have to let me."

He paused, giving the boy a chance to speak, but he didn't take it. He just looked ahead at the shadow before him, a bland look plastered to his face.

"Why don't you step away from that ledge and we can talk about whatever's goin' on?"

"Why should I do that?" He ever so slightly raised one of his eye brows. "I don't even know what you look like, but you want me to do you a favor? I don't think so. Last time I checked trust is a two-way streak."

Raph could feel as his mouth went dry. This kid wanted him to show what he looked like? He needed to think.

"I... Can't show you that."

The boy sighed. "You're wasting my time. Just leave me-"

"Raphael." The red clad mutant suddenly blurted out before he could stop himself. "My name's Raphael, but everyone just calls me Raph. I know that it must be hard to talk to a complete stranger so I thought... you might like to... ya know... Know my name."

The boy seemed to consider this for a second before opening his mouth to speak. "Alexander, but everyone-" He swallowed, wiping a new set of tears from his eyes. "Everyone just calls me Alex. I was named after my dad so calling me Alex, made it less confusing."

Both males went silent, filling the air with the sound of cars below and the wind whistling by. Raph took a moment to give Alex a quick look over. He was better dressed than some kids he saw out on the street, and guessing by the brand names on his clothes, they cost quite a bit. He was clean and his hair looked recently cut. This kid had either figured how to make money grow on trees, or he came from a family that had a lot of it.

"Now that we're on a first name bases... how about you tell me what's going on and why you're..." Raphael's voice trailed off, suddenly feeling very awkward.

"You can say it, you know?" Alex was now clutching the paper in his fist tightly, visibly crumpling it. "Why I'm going to jump? Why can't everyone ever just say what their thinking? " The volume of his voice began to steadily rise. His words donning a more passionate tone. "I'm tired of people being afraid of upsetting me. For once, I wish someone could just- **Ugh**." He suddenly stopped, wrapping his arms around himself, a frustrated sob escaping his lips. Tears flowed down his face freely. His body shook violently, showing something that made Raph's heart go out to the young teen.

Before him was a truly broken person. There was no hope or light in his eyes. Just pain and anger. Raph knew that look, the kind that only someone who had gone through real hardship could have. He sometimes saw it in Splinter's eyes when he talked about his wife and daughter, Miwa.

"Look I-" The red masked warrior was cut off though.

"Don't." Alex barely managed to choke the word out, pausing to swallow. "Please don't tell me that everything's going to be alright, or that things will get better." He ran his finger through his hair, looking back and forth from his feet to the stranger in front of him, hidden by the darkness of the night. "I'm tired of hearing that from everyone I meet. Everyone thinks they've got my life figured out. You probably do as well, right?"

Raph chose not to answer, knowing a rhetorical question when he heard one. This conversation was not going how he hoped it would. He needed to take a different approach.

"Think about all the people you would be hurting if you died, they would miss you, I'm sure."

Raphael was startled when he heard a joyless chuckle come the boy across from him.

"Miss me?" He laughed again. "You must really not watch the news. You have no idea who I am, do you? That would explain somethings."

Confusion flooded the ninja. What was he talking about? Had he really been on the news lately? Raph preferred to ignore the media, frustrated about how much they twisted the truth about the world around them. It wasn't unlikely that if this kid had been on the news, that he would have missed it.

"Look, no one would care if I died. Sure, the media would blow it out of proportion, and people would pretend to care, but give it a month? Two months, maximum, and they'll forget about me. I'm not important. I was never like my father or my mother. Hell, ever my little sister could do better than me."

This kid was speaking in past tense. Was he already viewing himself as something that was just a piece of history? If so, it wasn't a good sign.

"You could still make something of yourself." Raph tried, hoping he didn't sound as desperate as he felt. "There's always something to live for. You sound angry at someone or something, but that doesn't mean you should just-" Raph stopped, a lump building in his throat. His voice had begun to shake horribly. "Killing yourself should never be an option."

Alex looked away, his eyes locking onto the ground beneath his feet, a small, shakey smile pulling onto to his face. "You know, you sound a lot like my dad. He always told me to keep trying, to never give up. Right now, he would probably be telling me how stupid I am." He shifted his gaze to the paper in his hand. "Raph, was it? How old are you?"

"I turn sixteen in a month."

"Just a couple years older than me. You know... we could have been friends in another life. Maybe if we had met earlier." The teen continued to stare down at the note in his hand. It had been meant for the police when they found his body, but...

Raph decided not to mention that they probably could never be friends, considering that if Alex saw him, that he would run away screaming monster at the first sight of him.

Ah, the perks of being a mutant.

"Do you believe in afterlife?" Alex questioned, looking up at the shadowy figure in front of him that no longer seemed like such a stranger, despite not knowing much about him.

"Um, I d-don't know." The red clad ninja stuttered, surprised by the question.

"I guess I'll get to find out. Keep this for me." He gestured to the note in his clasped hand. "I get the feeling it will benefit you more than whoever else finds my body."

"Wait! -"

"Thanks for being there for me in my final moment."

It happened so fast that Raphael didn't get a chance to react. Alex dropped the now crumpled paper in front of himself. He gave one last smile to the figure that had spoken such kind words to him, and finally let his body fall backwards. The light from the city around him shimmered in his eyes.

Raphael fell to his knees, not bothering to look over the edge of the roof. It was a sixteen-story drop, there was no way the kid had survived. Not from that height.

He didn't know what to do. He felt scared, angry, and all together, he felt numb. He felt like he should cry, but he couldn't bring himself to. He knew somewhere in the back of his head that he was probably in shock, but at the moment it was all he could do to get himself to breath.

He kept replaying the moment in his head over and over. What he could have done differently, what he could have said to change his mind. Guilt coursed through him, claiming his mind like a steel trap. Despite the warm breeze, he felt chilled to the bone. As if ice had filled his veins.

He felt like he should cry, but he couldn't bring himself to.

After what felt like forever, he got off his knees. His legs had fallen asleep by then, but he didn't seem to notice. Running off whatever emotion that was going through him, he used it to push forward. He carefully picked up the note that the teen had dropped, tucking it in his belt. He didn't bother to look at it, unable to make himself do so, and started for home. He made it to the ground, traveling through the shadows. By the time he made it to the manhole that lead to the sewer system back to the lair, it was already nearing three a.m.

He trudged through the damp, dark tunnels of the city above. He didn't even notice when he had made it back to the abandoned subway station he called home until two arms slammed around him in a tight embrace.

"Raph, you're home! We thought something had happened to you!" Mikey's worried voice cut through the hot head's muddled thoughts. He then pulled back, letting Raph see the tears nipping at his baby blue eyes.

"I'm so sorry about painting your room pink, I swear I won't do any more pranks on you. Well, at least for the next month. Actually, I don't think I could hold off for more than a week, but what I'm trying to say it that I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, _really_ sorry. I swear-"

Normally Mikey's consistent rambling was annoying, but right now it just felt like white noise, not truly being processed by his brain.

"Raph! Where have you been?!" Came Leo's angry voice from behind. He stomped forward, a glare firmly on his face. "If you were going to leave, you could have at least brought your phone! We had no idea where you were. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Raph stared blankly at his leader and younger brother. "I messed up horribly. I'm sorry for what I did, and I regret it wholly. I acted rashly and should have handled the situation better. I once again let my anger get the best of me, when I should have controlled myself."

Raph could hear the words leaving his lips, but they weren't his own. Just phrases that his mind hoped that if he said, his brothers would let him pass and leave him alone.

The orange prankster could not believe his ears, and neither could the oldest of the bunch. He expected Raph to defend himself, not to apologize.

"Are... you feeling well bro?" Mikey asked, concerned.

He didn't respond, but simply brushed passed them and towards his room. On his way there, he passed by Donatello, but when he tried to say something, Raph simply pushed on. The purple genius's words falling on deaf ears.

He finally made it to his room, pushing the half open door out of the way before closing it behind himself. He didn't bother to turn the light off, nor did he care about the slight chemical smell of the air around him. He slipped off his gear, flopping onto his bed with a thud. He pulled his pillow over his head and fell into a fitful, nightmare haunted slumber, the note Alex left held tightly in his hand. The whispers outside his door and the pink walls around him going unnoticed.

* * *

 **Hey guys! The idea for this has been playing around in my head for awhile, so I decided to write it down. I'm not sure if I intend to write more for this. I guess it depends on the response this gets. I've been dealing with writer's block with all of my stories lately, so I've decided to take a break from them and change things up a bit.** **Please review!**

 **I'm a disclaimer of TMNT but I own Alex and the idea behind him.**

 **Thank-you!**


	2. Chapter 2

_The wind howled around the young ninja, chilling his dark emerald green skin. The tails of his mask whipping wildly to the side, making his skin sting every time they hit the back of his neck harshly. His vision clouded by shadows from all around, surrounding him like vultures waiting from him to die so they could feast upon his remains._

 _Fear, as cold as a winter storm, coursed through his veins, spreading through his body and into his shaking knees and lunges that couldn't seem to draw in enough air._

 _He couldn't will his quaking limbs to move, as if his body was too afraid that the darkness would swallow him whole if dared to shift in even the slightest, and then he was suddenly on a roof._

 _The sounds of traffic, people, street performers, and planes flying above filled his senses. The normally comforting sound that kept him grounded and reminded him of home, now betrayed him. It pounded in his head, over whelming him and deafening his already racing thoughts. Lights from the world around blinded him, almost making him wish for the blackness that had just plagued him only moments ago._

 _A young male, with a face he knew he wouldn't forget for a long time come, appeared in front of him barely inches from the edge of the roof, and just like his racing heart, everything thing seemed to freeze in place. Raphael could feel a cry trapped in his throat, one singular thought pounding away in his head._

 _The boy in front of him was going to fall, and there_ _should have been something_ _he could do to stop it_ _, but there wasn't. He was powerless to do anything but watch._

 _A bright smile pulled onto to the boy's face, almost outweighing the way the city lights below seemed to make him glow. The sight was what could only be described as_ _cruelly beautiful_ _. As_ _he tilted backwards, the image of an angel plummeting from the heavens above filled the red masked ninja's mind._

 _And just like that, he was gone._

* * *

Raph jolted upright in bed, sucking in a desperate breath of air. He shuddered realizing it had only been a dream. He didn't even try and remember how many times it was now that he'd had that same nightmare within the last few hours, and instead looked over at his alarm clock to check the time.

 **7:38**

The exhausted turtle rubbed the sleep from his eyes before slipping into the gear he'd discarded onto the floor the night before. Morning training was soon, and the last thing he needed was for Splinter to have _another_ thing to be mad about. As he slipped on his knees pads he glanced around at the pink walls of his room.

If someone had told him that something so small and insignificant would be what started everything that lead up to the night before, he would had called them insane, but now... The thought of it just made him nauseous. He vaguely wondered what Alex's favorite color was.

 **Correction**.

 _What it had been._

Raph closed his eyes and forced himself to take in a deep breath. It was way too early in the morning to be having an emotional break down. He could do this. He just needed to take it one step at a time.

Standing up from where he was perched on the edge of his bed, he saw a crumpled paper that had been folded several times till it was nothing but a small square laying on the floor near his bed. It was the note that Alex had left. He snatched it up and shoved it under his pillow, not ready to face whatever was on the paper. He would eventually, but not yet. It still hurt too much to even think about the young teen.

It hurt too much to try and imagine what life he'd had before last night. He'd said he had a little sister, right? How old was she? What was she going to do when she woke up to find that her big brother was gone? Would her parents tell her how her brother died? Was she even old enough to truly understand what had happened?

Raph swallowed thickly, a sharp, grinding pain filling his chest. Maybe she was still sleeping, drifting through a happy dream, peacefully unaware of the horrors that awaited her upon her wake. He hope she was, and he hoped she stayed that way, at least, for as long as she could.

Mentally shaking himself, Raph took in another deep breath, preparing for the day ahead.

 _One step at a time_ , he told himself.

As he left his brightly colored room and walked through the lair, Raph could hear the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen.

"Mikey stop, please!" Leo laughed. Whatever it was the youngest was doing, the leader didn't seem to actually mind, considering his joyful tone.

Raph walked into what looked like a mini war zone. Batter splattered the entirety of the kitchen, along with looked like the remains of what the red clad ninja could only assume was blueberries. Leo and Donnie were ducking behind the kitchen table in attempt to escape the onslaught of batter being thrown their way by Mikey. So, instead of them being covered by pancake batter, Raph was hit in their place.

A sudden quietness filled the room, their laughter dying out immediately as they all realized what just happened. They all turned towards him, staring in shock, waiting for his inevitable blow up.

"R-raph!" Mikey stuttered, fear filling his eyes baby blue eyes. Boy was he in trouble now. If last night hadn't been the final straw, this was sure to be.

Raph flinched, remembering the way he had looked at him the night before in Donnie's lab. Like he was a monster, and not his older brother. The one who was supposed to protect him and keep him safe. Looks like he couldn't keep anyone safe.

"I, I didn't see you there! I'm so, so, so-"

"Mikey." Raph interrupted quietly, making him stop speaking with an audible closing of his mouth. Normally the hot head would have yelled at his youngest brother, but he just didn't have it in him. "S'fine." He mumbled. "Accidents happen."

With a swipe of his thumb, he wiped the creamy yellow colored mixture from his cheek. He stared at it momentarily, rubbing it in-between his fingers realizing how sticky it was. It was going to be hell to clean up from all over the kitchen...

Not looking at any of his siblings, he walked towards to the sink and rinsed his hand off. The only noise that rang through the room was the sound of the running faucet and Mikey's feet as he shifted uncomfortably.

He turned around at the sound of someone clearing their throat, not all too surprised to be greeted by the sight of his father. He always seemed to show up at moments like this. Then again, maybe he been drawn in by the loud laughter and shouts coming the kitchen. Either way, he was here and he didn't seem so pleased.

"Would someone like to explain why my kitchen looks like a ballerina danced around with a bowl of batter none too gracefully?" He raised one eye brow, slowly looking around at his silent sons before landing on the one that had consumed his thought ever since he and stormed out of the lair.

Raphael, his second oldest.

He looked his son over, an aura coming off of him that he couldn't identify as he turned the running water in the sink off. Underneath his red mask, and what looked like a batter of some sort, he could tell there was dark circles under his eyes. Unlike last night, he was much calmer, but something in his eyes sent shiver down the older rat's spine. A haunted look that was most likely connected to the dark, unsettling aura that was coming off of him.

Now, to answer his previous question, all of his children but one, stared talking all at once like they always seemed to when he asked for an explanation.

"Well, I decided to make a totally awesome breakfast, when _Leo_ started nagging like an old hag about my choice of ingredients-" Michelangelo.

"I woke up to see what Mikey was doing in the kitchen, because one he _never_ gets up this early and two, _wait_ \- **old hag**!? Who are you calling!-" Leonardo.

"I woke up at seven thirty, per my usual routine, when next thing I know Mikey comes bursting into the kitchen disrupting the peaceful atmosphere by trying to cook a rather unhealthy, and completely nauseating, breakfast of jellybeans and pepperoni pancakes-" Donatello

"Jellybean-pepperoni-pancakes is not nauseating, and it totally would have been fine if Leo hadn't gone and thrown blueberries in. Which obviously would have gone terrible with jellybeans and pepperoni-" Michelangelo again.

"Wait? **I** was the one making bad food combinations?! Please tell me how pancakes, jellybeans, and pepperoni should _ever_ go together?" Leonardo again as well.

"Enough!" Splinter had to raise his voice over the shouting teens to be heard, aware that one of his sons had stayed unusually quiet.

Silence once again reigned over the room, Splinter's firm gaze keeping it there.

"I want this kitchen fixed before morning practice, you will all then make sure you are properly cleaned."

"But Sensei." Mikey whined. "I _already_ have to shower after morning training, if I take one right now, that's like, two showers in one day!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before you tried to paint everyone in batter." Splinter mused, having trouble with keeping a smile off his face. It was times like these that reminded Splinter of when his sons were all small boys, fighting to avoid even one shower, and just like in the past, Mikey had that adorable pout pinned to his face as a last resort.

And also like the past, it wasn't going to work.

"Leonardo, you are in charge of clean up and shall make sure everyone does their fair share."

"Hai, Sensei..." Leo looked down, trying to avoid his father's gaze. He was the oldest, he should have just let Mikey make his strange pancakes. It would have avoided this whole mess and Raph would have never gotten hit with pancake mix. How _was_ Raph taking it?

Curious, Leo glanced in his brother's direction, who despite not making any of the mess, was heading towards where they kept the mop. His movement were slow, his face void of any real emotion. Suddenly, Raph's apology flooded back into his mind, the conversation he had with his other two siblings following suit.

* * *

 _"He said what?" Donnie hissed, trying to keep his voice down so Raph couldn't hear from the other side of his bedroom door._

 _"I know right?" Mikey glanced nervously at the bedroom door, light still flooding out from underneath it. "It's so not Raph."_

 _"It definitely wasn't what I was expecting..." Leo took a look of his own at his younger brother's door, fighting the urge to throw it open and find out what was going on. Raph had been the maddest Leo had seen in quite some time. He was just glad that Splinter had gotten there before anyone could get really hurt. (His back still hurt, but he could handle it. He'd been hit by worse in the past.)_

 _"You don't think he's sick, do you?" Mikey asked, his eyes fliting back and forth between his older siblings._

 _"No, not likely." Donnie reassured. "He's been in perfect health recently, and he didn't show any signs of infection or sickness before he left."_

 _The freckled ninja suddenly gasped, "You don't think he's being mind-controlled or something do you?!"_

 _"No, again." Don sighed, resisting the urge to rub his sleepy face. It was way too late, or in this case early, to be dealing with this. "How about we just wait till morning to find out what's going on? We all need our rest and I somehow doubt Raph wants to be bothered, not matter how sorry he said he was."_

 _Leo frowned, not wanting to leave his younger brother's door just yet. The urge to be a big brother and fix whatever was wrong with Raph was still poking at him, but..._

 _Maybe Donnie was right. Raph had probably realized what he had done wrong while he was out and was just tired after staying out so long. He'd be fine in the morning._

* * *

But he wasn't. He didn't even seem like Raph anymore, completely brushing off Mikey hitting him in the face with batter, moving to the sink instead to wash what he could off. It was like he had been replaced with a calmer, more docile version of himself, and as much as Leo had always pressed his brother to be like this, he didn't like it. It wasn't _Raph_. It was just wrong.

Raph continued to where he knew they kept the mop, hoping to busy himself with cleaning, but it seemed his Sensei wasn't having it.

"Raphael, clean yourself up then meet me in the dojo."

Raph froze, barely stopping himself from cringing, or was it cowering? He couldn't tell. He didn't turn to look at his teacher as he answered. "Hai, Sensei."

He didn't need to look at his father to feel his gaze linger on him before the sounds of footsteps heading away reached his ears. Nor did he need to look at his brothers to know they were staring at him as well.

He squared his shoulders, ignoring the sets of eyes watching him as he left the room. No one said anything to him, and he was glad they didn't. The impending doom of facing his father after everything he had done (and tried to do) last night, he wasn't really feeling up to having a conversation with anyone.

So, he simply pushed past his siblings and went to his brightly colored room in search of one of his spare masks. After finding one, he assessed the state of himself. It seemed Mikey had managed to miss his leather gear, so he didn't need to change any of it, but he did need a quick scrub down to get rid of the already drying food on him.

Raph grabbed one of the spare rags folded up and laying near his cans of spray paint and headed for the bathroom. He took his time getting there and even more of his time pulling off his gear so he could scrub himself down with the rag and the running water in the sink.

He dipped the cloth under the warm water and set to cleaning his front. His earlier thoughts on how sticky the mixture was and how hard it would be to clean turned out to be quite true, but he did eventually mange to get it all off, leaving only his face to clean.

He untied his mask and gazed into his reflection bouncing off the surface of the mirror. He looked terrible, and it wasn't because of the dried food on his face. His skin looked pale, accented by dark purple rings under his eyes that were no longer hidden with his mask off. He looked like he hadn't slept at all. His eyes themselves seemed dull, the usually piercing green they were known for gone, leaving behind a dull murky color that didn't even seem to pass for green.

He swallowed, his doppelganger copying him. His hands clenched the edge of the sink tightly, his arms trembling slightly. He looked away, a tightness pooling into his throat. How was he supposed to face his father if he couldn't even face himself?

The guilt he had lacked back when his family finally stopped him from attacking his brother, now attacked him ten-fold. He choked back a tearless sob, a shaking hand coming up to cover his mouth.

What had he done?

He didn't care about his room anymore, he had planned to hurt his brother over a stupid prank. That right, he was going to hurt his baby brother God only knows how bad over some _joke_. What was _wron_ g with him? Not only that, but **he** let some _kid_ **kill himself**.

The world around him began to spin, nausea building in his tightening throat. He made a dash for the toilet, but it wasn't needed. He hadn't eaten in quite some time, yesterday around lunch actually. He simply dry heaved, his stomach crying out in pain. He coughed violently into the porcelain bowl. His fingers dug into his thighs as he gripped them harshly, his knees quivering against the cold floor.

And even after all that, he still didn't cry.

He just stood up, shaking like a leaf in the wind. His father was waiting for him, and was probably wondering where he was. So, he walked over to the sink, finished cleaning himself, put on his gear, and tied his mask on. Even with the fabric now tied firmly to his face, he didn't look much better, especially after all of that.

He sucked in a deep lungful of air and stepped out of the bathroom. He was Raph, the tough one of the team. The guy that looked fear in the face and ate it as a pizza topping. He had gotten in trouble for worse before. He would take the lecture of disappointment his teacher would no doubt give him.

He deserved it after everything he had done, he deserved every word and more.

He pushed his emotions to the back of his mind as he walked into the dojo. He closed the sliding door behind him and made his way over to where his father was standing, his back turned to him.

"Take a seat my son."

Raph did as he was told while his teacher mulled over how to approach him.

After his son had gotten back last night, all he could feel was relief. If he had stayed out any longer, he would have sent the rest of his sons after him. He had called April about an hour after Raph had left despite the late hour. She informed him that, no Raph wasn't with her, and that if he needed she was more than prepared to help look for him.

Master Splinter told her that wouldn't be necessary and left her to her sleep. That was when his nerves only got worse. Young Jones was out of town with his father and younger sister and that meant his angered son was alone without a way to contact them, having left his T-phone back at the lair.

Scenario after scenario filled the wise rat's mind of what could be happening to his child, but finally the torment ended once he came home safe and sound, or at least he had thought. His oldest was the first to fill him in on the conversation he, Michelangelo, and Raphael had once the red clad ninja was back.

At first, this had seemed like a good thing, but in truth, it was worrying. It was strange and out of character for the temperamental turtle. It had been even worse in morning, he looked like he was barely functioning. What happened while he was out last night? Did he truly just feel that terrible about attacking his siblings?

Keeping his back turned, Splinter spoke carefully to his son. "Raphael, have you thought about what you have done?"

"Yes sensei..." The pain in his voice was evident.

"I see... And what conclusion did you come to?"

Raph closed his eyes tightly, trying to lock away the surging emotion in him. He was horrible. He was a failure. _He was a monster._

"What I did was-" He swallowed barely keeping his voice from breaking. He spoke quieter now. "What I did was wrong. I feel horrible about it Sensei. I'm ready to take whatever punishment you give me."

It seemed that it _was_ guilt that plagued his son, but why was it this bad? It was imperative he found out.

"Tell me, what is that you feel so horrible about?"

Was Raph's Sensei really going to make him say it? It was already had enough to speak as it was, he wasn't sure he could continue if that was what his father wanted. No, he had to. He had already decided he would take any punishment his father gave him, and if this was one of them, so be it.

Then again, that was easier said than done.

"I... I'm sorry for attacking my brothers over... over something as stupid as a prank...For running off last night...for-" His breath hitched, Alex's smile filling his mind, making his heart and lungs feel like someone had tided chains around them, tightening them with every inhale and exhale.

Splinter turned slowly, his own heart clenching at the sight that greeted him.

The young ninja that was always so strong, looked broken beyond compare. His eyes screwed shut, shoulders shaking like a small child after a nightmare.

"For what my child?" Splinter walked towards the shaking teen and sat down next to him.

Panic flooded Raph for a brief moment, his eyes snapping open to see his father kneeling by him. He couldn't let him know about what he did last night, what he failed to do. He would never look at him same, and he couldn't face that. Not now, not when his carefully crafted walls that usually kept him from breaking down in front of his family kept threatening to shatter.

He stuttered out an answer he hoped would please his father. "F-for being a bad brother. I... I hurt Leo, I was gonna hurt Mikey and Don too. I'm sorry..."

 _For what?_ He asked himself. For being too afraid to tell his master what happened? For letting Alex die? For not just being a terrible brother, but a terrible hero as well?

Splinter sighed and pulled his son close, wrapping him in a warm embrace. The second oldest melted into the touch, wrapping his arms around his father softly, his body still shaking. The ninjutsu master just hugged him tighter, reminding him when the boy was small enough to fit in his lap and curl up there.

"I see you have learned your lesson." Splinter rubbed soothing circles on the youngers back till he stopped shaking. "At this point I do not think that a punishment will be necessary. It will only prolong us from moving on from the experience."

Raph frowned into his father's chest with a confused look. No punishment? It didn't make sense to his brain, he deserved one. After attacking his brothers and running off last night, he should have been grounded for a month. Well, a week at the least.

But no punishment?

It seemed wrong. Not as wrong as what he had done, but still wrong.

Splinter hummed with an amused tone, sensing his son's confusion. "The point of punishing you is to make sure you have learned your lesson, and I believe you have."

Raph's guilt only seemed to worsen. Here he was hugging his dad, safe and warm in his embrace, while Alex's parents were probably mourning their child he failed to save. Alex would never get to hug his parents again, all because he couldn't save him.

"Sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Can... Can I ask you a really strange question?"

Splinter frowned but nodded, "I do not see why not."

"What was it like... Losing Miwa..."

Raph could feel his father tense against him, making him panic and start talking in a rush. "I mean! I know, that she turned out to be fine and all, b-but I was just- I was wondering what it was like to lose- I'm sorry, Sensei. You don't have to answer." Raph pulled away quickly, not meeting his father's surprised gaze.

Splinter blinked, still a bit shook up by the question, wondering what had made him ask such a thing.

"It... It is fine Raphael, I am not upset. I will answer your question if you can answer one of my own."

Raph swallowed before looking up slowly. "Alright, shoot."

"What brought on such a question?" The concern in Splinter's voice was so apparent that it nearly made Raph flinch for the hundredth time that morning.

Why _had_ he asked that? Maybe it was because he was curious about what Alex's Family was feeling. Maybe because he wanted to understand what he had just done to them. Maybe because he was feeling extremely masochistic after what happened and now he was searching for another thing to pin his list of wrong doings in the last twenty-four hours.

"I was wondering what would happen if... If I lost one of my brothers..." He lied smoother than he would have liked. Lying to his father never felt great, especially now, but it didn't matter.

Splinter answered him all the same, his words hushed like a secret. The anguish in his voice, no matter how hidden, like a knife to Raph's heart. "It was the hardest day of my life."

Raph swallowed, his eyes locked firmly of the rug beneath them, his fingers tracing the intricate design of the woven fabric.

Splinter carefully gauged his son's reaction, wondering if he was finally getting to the root of his student's problem.

"You are aware that you would have never hurt you brother to that extent, yes?" The words that left the ninjutsu master's lips were just as hushed as his last ones.

Raph nodded numbly, his face blank as he stared into the rug, as if looking for something that he knew wasn't there, but he didn't care because that was the only thing that would ground him for the moment.

Raph must have thought he almost severely hurt his siblings, what else could be causing this?

"Raphael, I know you lost control of your temper last night, but even if I hadn't managed to step in when I did, you would never do anything to hurt your brothers to the point that could possible get them killed."

Again, he nodded. It seemed he wasn't up for talking anymore, his mind so far away from the conversation that his teacher wasn't sure he had heard him.

He just needed time, Splinter told himself. That in a few days he would be fine. It was times like these that as a parent, he felt lost. No matter what his sons (His oldest especially) thought, he didn't have all the answers. No parent did. Sometimes it felt like he was grasping at straws if he was honest

"Why don't you tell your brothers that I have canceled training for the day." Splinter decided after a moment.

Raph looked up with the most confused look he'd ever given. He thought Splinter was going to punish him, not give him the day off.

"We all had a long day yesterday. We could do with some rest." With that the older mutant stood up and walked to his room with silent footsteps. "Though I do ask that no one leaves the confines of the lair for now." Splinter wasn't sure his heart could handle another one of his children going missing for a long period any time soon.

"Hai Sensei." Was the only respond the rat got that let him know his son had heard him.

Raph sat on the dojo floor long after his father had left, his mind spinning endlessly.

He couldn't believe his father was letting him off the hook after everything he'd done. He wouldn't have if he knew about Alex, Raph thought bitterly, his hands clenching by his side.

Raph stood up slowly, his tired limbs threatening to give out on him. Once he was standing upright, he left the sanctuary of dojo and left to go inform his teammates that they had the day off and that they weren't to leave the lair. At least, that had been the plan until the sound of the T.V. had reached him.

" _The authorities are still investigating the death of Alexander Veld, and at the time can't disclose any details about the case-_ "

* * *

 **Hey guys! It took awhile to get this up but I'm generally pleased with how it turn out. I've already started on the next chapter (Though I'm not too sure when I'll be done with it...)Happy Halloween! Please review!**

 **I'm a disclaimer of TMNT but I own Alex and the idea behind him.**

 **Thank-you!**


	3. Chapter 3

Mikey frowned, listening to the news reporter with a saddened heart. No matter how much good he and his brothers did for people, they could never save them all. Despite the fact that Mikey knew that, it didn't change that it still hurt.

" _The authorities are still investigating the death of Alexander Veld, and at the time can't disclose any details about the case. If you have any information that could help the police with the investigation, please call the number on the screen_. "

The young prankster cringed, his stomach tying in a knot. It was terrible what happened. The young teen was found dead last night after falling from a sixteen-story building. No one was saying it, but all signs pointed to suicide. Mikey wished he couldn't imagine what had brought the kid to that point, but all you needed to do was watch the news for the last week to understand.

" _Veld industries will be holding a memorial service that will be open to the public, for all who wish to attend_ -"

A voice from behind him interrupted the one on the television. "Turn it off."

Mikey froze, confused for a split second, before turning to face the owner of the voice that had just spoken. It was Raph. It looked like he was done with Master Splinter.

The orange prankster frowned at his older sibling, curious about what was wrong. He took a quick second to give the other a look over.

Raph looked like he'd seen a ghost, or could have passed as one himself. His skin was paler than Mikey had seen in a while, and he wasn't looking at Mikey. His focus was spent on the lady talking on the screen. The freckled turtle began to wonder what had conspired between his father and older brother.

"Hey bro? You feelin' well?" Mikey asked hesitantly. "You don't look so good. Maybe you should let Dee take a look at ya." The freckled ninja didn't get a response, but instead was only greeted with the sound of the T.V., the News anchor continuing the current story. Raph's gaze continued to stay locked onto the screen, a dark look in his eyes.

" _Arthur Veld has come forward with the news that he will now be the new owner of Veld_ -"

"I said turn it off!" Raph growled, his voice booming through the large room.

Mikey went as a still as a statue, his look mimicking one similar to a deer caught in a set of headlights.

"- _and that there is a reward for anyone who steps forward with any helpful information about his nephew's death._ "

OhshellOhshellOhshell-

That lady _really_ needed to shut up, before and not after Raph started breaking things (Like say, the television), or Raph's stomach tried throwing up despite its empty state. Every word from her mouth was like a sharp stab to the red ninja's chest. He ignored Mikey and quickly walked over to him, bending down to snatch the remote from where it was sitting next to him.

" _He also thanked everyone on social media for the sweet words for him and his family-_ "

With a quick click of the green power button on the remote, the T.V. went dead, leaving the room silent.

Raph swallowed, his heart beginning to pound at unnatural speeds. His hand felt clammy as clutched the remote so tight that it threatened to break.

Mikey looked up at him with worries blue orbs. He spoke quietly, trying not to startle his older brother who seemed to have forgotten he was there as he stared at the, now blank, television. He looked... off.

Raph felt terrified. His heart threatened to burst as Alex's words from last night replayed in his mind.

 _"No one would care if I died."_

Alex couldn't have been farther from truth, because at least one person cared, and right now it was all he could think about.

"Raph?"

"…"

"Bro, you alright?"

"…"

"Do you want me to get Donnie?"

That got a response. " **No**! I- I'm fine." Raph choked. He dropped the remote on the couch as if it was on fire and left in a rush before his brother could ask him anymore questions.

Once gone, Mikey stared down at the remote that was once again lying next to him.

What in the delicious name of pizza, was _that_ about?

The freckled turtle stood up and made his way to the kitchen where Leo was rinsing out a rag in the sink. No Donnie in sight. He must have gone to take a shower. Unlike Leo who had dodge the onslaught of a batter thrown his way, Donatello had not been as lucky.

The blue leader looked up at the sound of footsteps. "Oh, hey." He greeted, a warm smile flowering onto his lips. "Just finished. I think the mop is going to be slightly purple for a while, but there's nothing I can do about it. Trust me, I tried." Why did blueberries have to stain everything? It was a miracle they got it off the walls. Leo paused, noting the contemplative look on his youngest sibling's face.

That couldn't be good. A thinking Mikey normally meant a crazy idea that usually involved some strange food or some sort of prank, and after last night and this morning, they could all do without both of those things.

"What's up?" Leo inquired, hoping it was something he could handle.

"Do you think Raph could be sick?"

Leo frowned, so he wasn't the only one who noticed Raph's odd behavior.

"I mean," Mikey said, continuing. "I know Dee is usually right about that kinda stuff, but like. Could he be wrong, just this once?"

"Donnie's not usually wrong..." Leo turned back to the sink to finish rinsing out the rag in his hand. "What happened?"

"It's just that." Mikey sat down in one the kitchen chairs. "It's what _didn't_ happen. I was watching T.V., because I already took a shower and you told me you were going to clean up the rest of my ruined batter, which might I just say, would have been amazing if you hadn't messed it up with those blueberries-"

"Focus Mikey."

" _Any way_. Like I said, I was watching T.V. when next thing I know, Raph comes barging into the room and demands I turn it off."

The resident hot head demanding something of Mikey? That wasn't too out of the ordinary, and it would explain the yell he heard a moments ago.

"Alright, what happened next?" Leonardo rung the rag out and hung it out on the edge of the sink before turning to lean against the counter and face where Mikey was sitting.

"Well, I guess I didn't move fast enough for him. He suddenly rushed over to me, stole the remote, and then turned the T.V. off. He looked kinda off, ya know, sick. Like he'd eaten your cooking."

The older of the two promptly pouted. "My cooking isn't that bad."

"Ya it is man. As I said, he looked sick. So, I being the wonderful bro I am, asked him if he was feelin' alright and if he wanted me to go get Dee for him. He totally freaked and suddenly told me he was alright, but there's no way he was telling the truth. I'd bet half my comics on it man."

"And where's he now?" Leo asked, his worry beginning to increase. He really hoped Raph didn't run off again.

"His room I think."

That was a relief.

"Who's in their room?" Donnie asked with a curious tone as he walked into the room, a damp towel hanging loosely around his neck.

"Don!" Mikey shot up onto his feet, a screech cutting through the air as his chair scraped across the ground. "You gotta check Raph out. I think he's sick." The freckled turtle inhaled sharply in with a gasp before either of his team mates could respond. "What if it kills him or leaves him in bed for months." The freckled ninja looked all kinds of terrified. "Dee, you gotta help him."

Startled, Donnie held his hand up in a ' _hold on_ ' motion. "No one's dying anytime soon, not if I can help it, and what's wrong with Raph?"

"Mikey thinks he's sick, and-" Leo gave the youngest of them a pointed look. "-for once, it's not without reason. He _has_ been off ever since he came home last night."

Donnie concentrated, a list of things that could have been ailing the temper driven ninja began running through his head. "What did he do now?"

"That's the thing, he didn't _do_ anything." Mikey fidgeted with worry of his own. "When I hit him this morning he was completely fine about it! No freak out, you saw him. He didn't even scold me Dee, and then again later. He got all mad with me but didn't do anything about it, not really, and you should have seen him. He looked really pale, and I think he was close to puking."

"Vomiting?" Donnie gave a disbelieving look.

"You saw how he acted this morning." Mikey spoke quietly, his concern beginning to show on his face, making Donnie's own features soften a bit. Sure, Mikey fought with the hot head a lot, but when it came down to it he really did care for him. "Something's wrong."

Leo sighed. He was worried about Raph too, but if he was going to be honest with himself, he was more worried about being late to training. Hopefully no one would need to step in and whatever was wrong with the Raph would fix itself all on its own. Besides, Raph usually preferred to work thinks out on his own if he could.

"How about we wait till after morning practice to deal with whatever is wrong with Raph. If he's still acting strange then, then we can talk to him about it, deal?"

His younger siblings looked at him warily, obviously not so sure that was a good idea.

"Guys, I'm sure he just needs some time." Leo tried.

They hesitantly agreed. Raph would be fine, right?

* * *

He couldn't breathe.

 **Shell.**

He couldn't _breathe._

Both of his hands flew to his throat. No matter how much air passed through it, none it seemed to reach his lunges. Raph desperately tried to remember the breathing exercises his sensei had taught him, but they were slipping his mind.

He collapsed onto his knees in a quaking mess. Darkness slowly began to swallow up his vision. He needed to breathe. God, why couldn't he breathe?

The shadows from his nightmares were back, crowding his line of vision, reaching for him with cold dark hands. He could feel invisible chains sliding over his limbs, keeping him frozen in place.

They wormed their way over his chest, and wrapped around his heart, tightening it with every inhale. Images of the night before filled his sight, not mattering if his eyes laid open or closed.

He realized he was having a panic attack.

Raph screwed his eyes shut and tried to concentrate.

It was no use. The only thing he could see was Alex's body falling backwards, his cold smile pinned to his lips.

 **Veld** , he realized.

Alexander Veld was the name of the boy he watched die. The boy _he_ failed to save.

Yes, he'd been curious about who he was, but now? The name felt like poison seeping through him, infecting his mind. He would have done anything to forget his name. To forget his face. To banish that kind smile from his mind.

At that moment Raph would have given anything to make it so yesterday never happened, but he knew that escaping his sins would never be that easy.

Suddenly the demons in his head reared back, losing their hold for just a precious moment. Raph didn't have time to wonder why the chains over his body had loosened, less they try and reclaim him. So, he poured every ounce of willpower he had into getting himself to finally breathe.

As his breathing slowed he soon realized what had snapped him out of it. It was knock on his door, and it sounded again.

" _Raph? You in there?_ " It was Leo.

Great, just what Raph needed in the middle of a mental break down. Mr. Fearless leader bothering him.

"Go away." He tried, cringing at how he sounded. He had tried to sound mean, snappish. In reality, he sounded like he'd had the flu for the last week.

" _Dude, you alright?_ " Oh, this was just wonderful. Mikey too? He thought thick with sarcasm.

"…"

" _Please_ , _Raph. Open the door_." Seriously? Donnie as well? Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

His heart twisted painfully at the sound of their voices. He wanted to run over to them and throw the door open. To let them tell him that everything was OK, but Alex's face resurfaced in his memory. He jerked away from his door and instead shoved the back of his shell against his bed with an audible _**thump**_.

Alex would never get that reassurance again, so why should he? After all, it was his fault he was dead.

* * *

 **Hey guys! I was going to make this chapter quite a bit longer, but if I continued on like I was I'm not sure when I would have been able to find a good stopping point. I'm not really quite satisfied with this chapter, but it has been long enough since my last update. I aplogize for how short this chapter is. Oh well, I hope you're all enjoying the holidays! Please review!**

 **I'm a disclaimer of TMNT but I own Alex and the idea behind him.**

 **Thank-you!**


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